by The Watermark Staff
Welcome to the Watermark’s first snack review, where we will regularly review the snacks eaten during meetings.
SmartFood White Cheddar Popcorn
An overarching theme among the Watermark staff was a general dissatisfaction with the company’s rebranding efforts. The new bag features a new logo, a wedge of cheese, and a couple pieces of popcorn. It should be noted that the included images of the popcorn was a “bad interpretation” and that the photo of real cheese was off-putting. “This packaging induces the wrong emotions. I feel scared and lonely,” claimed one writer.
Others, by a significant unpopularity, disagreed. “I like the black with the pop of yellow,” said another writer, claiming that they felt “intrigued” by this new look.
SmartFood White Cheddar Popcorn, upon initial impression, has a tangy smell. Though one party-sized bag, costing a pricey four dollars, was consumed entirely in one forty-five-minute meeting, its taste was met with harsh scrutiny. One critic lamented the inconsistency of the cheese flavor from kernel-to-kernel; another alleged that it tasted like styrofoam. “The thing I do not like is if you eat too many of them you get the weird creamy rim on your mouth,” declared one writer. Others agreed, noting that the snack was also hard to consume without water because the kernels “stick to the roof of your mouth.”
Nutrition-wise, SmartFood White Cheddar Popcorn is commendable. In addition to a very large serving size, true to its name, SmartFood White Cheddar Popcorn has very few calories. It is a good source of sodium, a local nutrition source disclosed, but “maxes out your saturated fat intake.”
“I do not like cheddar popcorn.” - Ari Dor
Stauffer’s Animal Crackers
Writers of the Watermark found Stauffer’s Animal Crackers’ red and blue packaging offputting. “This looks dangerous,” one writer commented, “it’s like firework packaging.” “It’s too flashy,” said another.
Stauffer’s Animal Crackers carry a weird aftertaste distinct to animal crackers. The taste of animal crackers, to many, takes us back to our childhoods.
“A lot of the crackers do not look animals,” one Watermark staff member expressed, defeated, “this could be useful in activating childrens’ imaginations but ultimately, make them very frustrating to eat.”
The small bag contained 240 crackers, proving that the bag was extremely efficient as the company did not waste any space with air. “That is a lot of crackers,” one writer declared. The 240 crackers were reportedly a good source of iron and carbohydrates.
This snack contains a shocking amount of thiamine mononitrate, containing more of this ingredient than sugar or baking soda. In fact, it is the third largest ingredient. “Why is there so much thiamine mononitrate in here?” we all asked. The empty hallways did not provide a compelling answer.
“I love grinding off their little heads with my teeth.” - Ari Dor
by Mikai Tilton
Why don’t black cats get adopted as quickly as others? Why do some buildings lack a “13th” floor? Why do we fear breaking mirrors? All around us, society jumps through hurdles to avoid “bad luck.” But why?
The number 13:
An estimated 10 percent of the United States population fears the number 13—an extreme fear of this number is called triskaidekaphobia. Buildings often skip a 13th floor, and airplanes have been known to skip a 13th row. An avoidance—of marriage, traveling, and working—on Friday the 13ths costs the nation about $800 million annually.
Judas, the disciple that betrayed Jesus, was said to be the 13th seated at the Last Supper. The occasional year with 13 full moons instead of the expected 12 would pose major problems for church festivals and monks in charge of characters. The tarot card XIII is the card of death, featuring a pale rider and horse. The earliest known written text, the Code of Hammurabi, was said to have omitted a 13th law. (This was later uncovered to be an early translation error, as the text is not ordered numerically and other texts have included this missing line.)
Breaking a mirror:
It was once believed that a man’s reflection was not only of his physical appearance, but of his soul itself. Thus, breaking a mirror directly damaged one’s soul as well as his body. Some believed that this would cause the soul to be unable to fight off bad luck; others believed that the damaged soul itself would take revenge for its mistreatment by killing a close friend or family member.
Romans believed life renewed itself every seven years, so “seven years of bad luck” was the time that it took for the spirit of a human to be fully recovered to its original state.
The ASPCA reports that black cats are the least likely to be adopted from animal shelters than any other cat. Shelters in the United States and Canada often hold black cat adoption days and events near Halloween and Friday the 13ths to combat this stigma.
These felines are thought of as bad luck themselves, but it’s an extremely bad omen when a black cat crosses your path.
An avoidance of black cats can be traced back as early as the 14th century. As they were associated with the devil, many black cats were exterminated during the Black Death pandemic. Ironically, this would only have spurred the plague, as it was spread by rats.
A popular fairy in Scottish folklore was the Cat Sith, a giant black cat that could steal newly deceased souls before gods could claim it. This led to watchmen called the “Late Wake” that would protect bodies before burial from this force.
Because of their association to the Devil, black cats were quickly associated with the rise in “witchcraft” accusations of the sixteenth century. Over time, this association shifted from a witch’s “companion” to “familiar,” and witches were thought to be able to turn into these cats.
by The Watershed Community
Chopsticks, but each one is a mini fork."
Mini pet giraffes." ("Large pet giraffes")
Planting trees when certain videos are watched."
Communism (we all share the million dollars)."
by Sam Andrews
During a late-night listicle rampage, I became interested in a personal bucket list but found all online inspiration to be overly similar and cliche. Not one to be easily dissuaded, I channeled my inner BuzzFeed and decided to write a listicle of my own on this exact subject and submit it to the far more reliable “Watermark.” Below, you will find the results of three weeks of pestering my classmates: a 101-point bucket list made up of the most interesting/unique goals Watershed students were willing to share.
by The Watermark Staff
Since this is the Anger Issue, it seemed only fitting that The Watermark staff bring back something included in last year's spring issue: a collection of personal pet peeves just aggravating to be worth sharing.
The fact that most receipts contain BPA and are therefore neither recyclable nor compostable."
There are many many interesting things
From open roads to butterfly wings
Whiteboards are cool and clouds are too
Heck I could even make a stew
But why is it that with all these things
I can’t think of anything to write
I considered why I’m excited for spring
Even why I love to swing
I thought about what comes on the news at night
Maybe a story about flying a kite
Someone mentioned balloons and the merits they bring
But simply nothing seemed to ring
I pondered a lot trying to think of something good
But my head appeared to be simply made of wood
If I wrote some nice words I’d be happy to show’em
Instead I ended up writing this poem
So here I am typing away
Writing about how I have nothing to say
Thanks for reading, I'll talk to you later
Now go read the rest of the articles in this newspaper.
by Mikai Tilton
It’s October, and the season for scary movies and Jack o'Lanterns has finally arrived! Here are the some of the best horror movies you should be binging this Halloween.
by Ari Dor
Whether you heard it at school or saw it on Reddit, new memes are always in your life somehow. They’re either deadly, hilarious, or just a detriment to the universe. As a kid, I love them, but as an adult, reading this article may be a bad idea.
The quote from the 1939 Terry Toons “The Three Bears” Cartoon that made it onto YouTube and Reddit recently is 100% dead, but remixes and text-and-picture memes are still being posted because of the sheer hilariousness that comes out of this meme. In the meme, the dad bear of the family realized that somebody was in their house and the person in that house had ‘toucha his spaghet’.
In VRchat, a program for users of Virtual Reality headsets, Ugandans are role-playing as Knuckles and asking if people know the way, but the meme came from the pronunciation. It sounded something like this: “do you know de wae”.
As a continuation to Ugandan Knuckles, Skadoo Skadae is a couple of images made in MS Paint along with the Ugandan Knuckles meme.
SpaceX memes are simple text-and-picture memes, mostly tweets. It’s all about how the Falcon Heavy Rocket looks like a certain male organ.
Curb Your Meme
Curb Your Meme is a play on Larry David’s Curb Your Enthusiasm. In Curb Your Meme, the theme music is played over a zooming-in video clip of someone who can’t explain something.
At the 90th Academy Awards, Jennifer Garner was applauding when a sudden realization hit her. We still don’t know what it is, but people are making predictions all over the place.
by The Watermark Staff
“When Joe chews gum and eats food ‘into’ the microphone on Discord.” - Andy K.
“When parents introduce their small children’s ages using months instead of years.”
“When people excessively anthropomorphize their pets.” - Gus M.
“When people confuse turtles and tortoises.” - Kate H.
“How often Devin says ‘However.'”
“When people use the word ‘triggered.’” - Everyone
People who have an excessive number of pet peeves.”
People who ‘humble-brag’ about their exercise” - Nina
“Ketchup.” - Nina
“Picky eaters in foreign countries.”
“People who excessively over-pronounce words that aren’t English, like ‘taco’ or ‘croissant’.”
“When Frank sits cross-legged on a stool.” - Gabe C.
“Absurd terms used at Watershed… it’s a cafeteria, not a cafe; it’s a break, not fresh air; it’s an assembly, not a community meeting, etc.”
“When people come back from a brief international vacation and change their entire accent.”
Chances are, If you’re familiar with the word satire, then you’ve heard of the Onion.
However, if you need a refresher on both of those terms, satire, according to Google, means “the use of humor, irony, exaggeration, or ridicule to expose and criticize people's stupidity or vices, particularly in the context of contemporary politics and other topical issues.” The Onion, then, is a satirical newspaper that “covers” today’s pressing issues.
Therefore, considering that all of the news the Onion covers isn’t real, it’s quite shocking that some of the Onion’s stories have come true.
Below is a list of Onion articles that have come true over the years.
1.) Onion Headline: "Miley Cyrus will be drained of entertainment value by 2013.” (2008)
We all remember 2013 vividly. How much this has to do with Ms. Cyrus’ infamous VMA performance is up to you. While Miley certainly went through quite a transformation that year, it’s pretty impressive that Onion was able to nail the year.
2.) Onion Headline: “Vatican Quickly Performs Damage Control On Pope's Tolerant Remarks.” (2013)
With the ascension of Pope Francis in 2013, the Vatican has become a slightly more liberal place. However, the lengths at which the rest of the church would go to shut down these remarks was hard to foresee. But not, apparently, for the Onion.
3.) Onion Headline: The 1% speak out against Inequality. (1996)
Since the mid-1990’s, the social consciousness of the nation’s top-earners has grown tremendously. In recent years, Mark Zuckerberg has pledged to give away 99% of his facebook shares, and Jeff Bezos has donated $40 billion to help DACA children with college tuition. Yet, this quote from more than 20 years ago perfectly sums up what would come out of a billionaire’s mouth today: ““As the nation’s ultra-elite overclass, we billionaires have for years enjoyed nearly unlimited economic privileges,we are here today to stand up and finally say, ‘Enough!’”
5.) Onion Headline: Area Man Consults Internet Whenever Possible (2000)
Sure, the Onion predicted the exact year Miley Cyrus would go a bit off the rails, but I think prophesying a dependence on the internet years before the first smartphone was invented is downright spooky. The last line in particular stays with you: “'Why don't we just look the word up in our old-fashioned dictionary?'" Wisniewski said. "The answer, of course, is simple: because we don't have to."